Birthing Myself

Photo by Diana Polekhina on Unsplash

I have had the same feelings this week as I did in the final week before giving birth to any one of my children. I knew the time was coming. The emotions big and strong. Happy, eager to hold and meet the baby and care for it, concerned about the pain, the exhaustion, and if I had what it takes to nurture and love something so small and dependent. And then when I knew I was in labor, the joy! The anticipation! But then what happens? I hit the dilation of 8cm and the waves of pressure and intensity roll over, faster and faster. What have I done? Can I actually see this through? Am I gonna break? Are me and this baby gonna make it? Will someone make it stop? And then your doula looks you in the eye and says, “You have got this, Aimee. You were made for this. You are strong, you are centered, and you have what it takes to see this new life birthed. Keep breathing, one moment at at time, we are so close and soon the relief and the joy will be reality”

Today is my final divorce hearing. I am emotionally at 9cm. My heart and body are opened wide to see myself be birthed into a new life. I will be born again. It will not be without pressure and intensity, but my mind is focused on the outcome that I have longed for. I will have freedom. Autonomy. Those words sounds great, but they are also terrifying. Prisoners get out and sometimes miss the predictable prison walls.

I don’t exactly know what my “new life” will look like. It is messy and probably will be for a while. But messy is okay when your heart and gut are at peace. I am finally listening to the self inside that knows what is good for me and what I need. I easily can fall back into fear and wanting some outside authority to tell me who I am and what is right and what to do. But those authorities have never gotten it right with me, and I have always, always known it, probably since the age of eight. I was taught not to trust myself or my thoughts or my desires, and that has resulted in unimaginable personal pain, disconnection, and disillusion. I am at peace with making mistakes on my journey and allowing it to unfold organically and without demand.

So at the end of today, I will have a new me to take care of. As I did with my other children, I will follow my attachment principles of holding myself close, feeding on-demand, watching for cues of what I need, being responsive, soft, warm, loving, kind. I have always adored babies and poured all of me into them. I will now do that for myself and believe that I am worthy of that kind of attention and care. I will not try to get this new one to hit milestones before she is ready. I will read her books and make sure she has the softest blankets, and good music, and art and kind people to help hold her. She will get plenty of sunshine and walks and smiles and cheers. She will be delighted in and beloved. This is her birthright as a human.