I read an excellent New York Times article this morning on the topic of languishing, which is thought to be a dominant emotion for many of us in 2021. If flourishing is on one end of the spectrum, and depression on the other, languishing would be considered the messy middle. There could be a sense of joylessness, aimlessness, stagnation, and emptiness. I think that most of us could say that we have been living in varying levels of these descriptors for the past year.
I had a bit of an existential crisis on Sunday morning. Who am I? Am I doing the right things in life? Does how I spend my days matter? Languishing could look like questioning your purpose in your work or recognizing the social isolation and disconnection you may be feeling. Is my soul in a state of malaise and drained of vitality? I was sensing these things in my own life, and instead of pushing it down, I asked my husband to take a walk with me. A lot can be sorted out and named through conversation + movement.
In the article, Adam Grant says
“languishing is the neglected middle child of mental health… the absence of well-being. You don’t have symptoms of mental illness, but you’re not the picture of mental health either. You’re not functioning at full capacity….part of the danger is that when you’re languishing, you might not notice the dulling of delight or the dwindling of drive. You don’t catch yourself slipping slowly into solitude; you’re indifferent to your indifference. When you can’t see your own suffering, you don’t seek help or even do much to help yourself.”
The suggestion is made to push back against languishing by finding flow, defined on good old Wikipedia as “the mental state in which a person performing some activity is fully immersed in a feeling of energized focus, full involvement, and enjoyment in the process of the activity. In essence, flow is characterized by the complete absorption in what one does, and a resulting transformation in one's sense of time.” Flow denotes focus, engagement, joy. If our delights are dulled and we sense our positive energy is low, what better way to find some flow than to cultivate that in our home? Home can be the safest place to name our languishing but also the available means to claim our flourishing.
First things first, let’s minimize distractions. Could I put my phone upstairs in the bathroom, tucked away for a few hours, so that the chimes and sirens of texts and notifications can be stilled? Flow demands focus. When we don’t feel like our best selves, we are more prone to sit with the phone. Can we detox the brain and the soul daily by a couple of hours of mental rest? Can you use “do not disturb” or an auto-reply email at work for a window in your day? Are we telling ourselves a false narrative that we HAVE to be available every moment of every day?
Next, we have to be gracious with ourselves as we prime the pump. We have to be willing to “fail” as we stumble around in our soul-stupor trying to figure out what we give us flow, what would engage our senses, what would ignite delight. We have to try. We might pick up a pen and journal. We might go outside and water the flowers. We could pick out a recipe for tonight that requires chopping (I find chopping ingredients to be a sure way to sense of calm, clarity, and energy!) We could put together a new tablescape or create a pretty vignette on a side table with things we already own. We could clean out from under our kitchen sinks or spend 20 minutes making our laundry room a lovelier, more efficient space to work in. Take on a small sewing project or some handwork. Start a raised bed in your yard. Just begin, making a small goal for the day, turn on some music. Music can lead me to flow as nothing else can. Don’t get stuck in non-decision. Pick anything, imperfectly.
As we name our own sense of languishing, preferably to a spouse or a friend, we have the opportunity to make some choices that will feed our flourishing. Home can be the unsung hero of this 2021 story. If you resonate with this conversation, name one thing you can do today to moving your way up the spectrum, one baby step closer, to vitality. Write it down. That small act is important because seeing it reflected back to you will give you some accountability.
I’m so glad to know we are not alone. The hard things we feel aren’t uncommon or mysterious. This is what it means to be human. These shared experiences can bring us closer together as we cheer each other on. Here’s to awakening delight and whimsy, walking by faith towards them, even when we don’t feel it.
Aimee
Hi Aimee,
This is very helpful to me, I think the business and time constraints of managing a large household keeps me in that middle state, visiting the highs of joy and the lows of depression, but living mainly in the messy middle. I think too of some of the relationships with my children that are in that middle state at the moment, the teenagers years can be difficult to know how to connect with my boys...I am inspired by your post to try again to find some regular places of 'flow", thank you so much for this,
Clare Rattenbury