Fall is always full. With four boys still at home, our lives revolve around education, sports, food, work, repeat. The pace is relentless, life filled to the brim with great things, none of which I regret. But life has also been filled to the brim with pain, losses, blindsides, stressors, and confusion. Not a week goes by without several baffling circumstances unaccounted for. I perpetually feel off-balance.
My routines come and go. I can’t seem to do all the daily rhythms that I think are good for me and my family. There isn’t energy for all of it. In my head I have an ideal day for what self-care, connected parenting, skillful education, community engagement, efficiency, order, and cleanliness look like, but they can’t happen all on the same day. My idealism can get the best of me, a low vibration of discontentment and feelings of failure gnawing at my soul. I will forever be a work in progress when it comes to learning to rest in God in heightened seasons of stress. I often feel like a Loved Disappointment to God and others.
I am looking at my calendar from now until Thanksgiving, and goodness, it’s crazy. We have good things planned like camping trips and parties and book clubs…the things that make life wonderful, but these moments take great planning and care. Magic rarely happens by accident. How can I move in the fullness of this schedule with gentleness, care, and being filled myself? What are the non-negotiables that help me serve and love with gratitude and grace? Must they happen daily or is there a way to weave a sustainable life through a more intuitive structure? These are the questions that I carry with me.
Today I have some rare quiet space. I am choosing to do a “brain dump” in a notebook, to move a few projects forward, make a detailed to-do list in my planner for each day this week so I don’t try to lump it all on one day. I am pushing back the dark feelings of overwhelm by plotting my course, deliberately and with care. I am reading Sally Clarkson’s new book Help, I’m Drowning, and so far, I think it’s my favorite book of hers yet. It is naming all of what I am feeling with grace and wisdom, not quick fixes or platitudes. I feel God’s rest descend with every chapter I read and also empowering me to keep going, one step at a time, making plans and fulfilling them.
May you continue to discern your fall rhythms, hearing the voice of the Spirit comforting and guiding. May you sink into creation’s beauty even when you feel as if you are sprinting. May you feel the support and care from your community as I have, friends and family showing up in ways that ease the pain. May we both know that we are not disappointments, only beloved humans, bestowed with delighted acceptance.
With love,
Aimee
Hi Aimee, so nice to hear from you again, I've missed your emails, but it sounds like you have been under a lot of strain. Praying for you and your family, for God's peace and love to surround you. Your insights are helpful and practical and you are making a difference, even all the way over here in Australia :-)
“ I perpetually feel off-balance.” Exactly this. I can’t seem to think straight, remember things, find any energy. I’m wondering what books or devotionals you reach for that are cozy, reassuring, help you remember that you are loved and ok. All of the spiritual books I’m looking at on my shelf feel like they are for another person. Someone with room for theology, deep thoughts, and who needs a real push. I can’t seem to find a resting spot in scripture either. Would love your thoughts.